Life is stressful. Stress can cause our bodies and minds to develop tension which we need to deal with if we want to live well and perform at a high level.

If you look at the lifestyle of a top athlete, their work broadly breaks into three categories:

1. Train hard - How do we make sure we’re physically ready to compete? How do we prepare to play at our highest level?
2. Play hard - How do we make sure our training hasn’t gone to waste? How do we perform when it matters? Can we do something special?
3. Rest well - How do we keep this cycle going?

In this tutorial of sorts, I’m focused on massages — which sit firmly in the “Rest well / Recovery” category.

What is relaxing?

Relaxing isn’t “doing nothing” — it’s the act of letting your body and mind return to a state where tension drops, breathing slows, and your parasympathetic nervous system takes over. That’s the system responsible for recovery, digestion, rest, and emotional regulation. When people say they feel “calm,” “soft,” or “back to themselves,” this is usually what they’re describing.

Relaxation can come from a huge range of activities, and what works for one person might not work for another. Some people relax physically, some mentally, some emotionally — but all of it aims to produce the same effect: lowering stress and allowing the body to reset.

To illustrate the range of activities someone can engage in to relax, I created this diagram:

What is a massage?

A massage is where a masseuse (a trained therapist) rubs and kneads the client’s muscles and tissues to help relieve tension and stress. It’s something you receive, not something you actively do.

Massages can be expensive (Jim Wendler provides inspiration here), but they’re extremely effective for stress relief. I’d argue they fall under the same “Relaxing” umbrella as therapy — not in terms of talking about your problems, but in terms of how deeply they down-regulate your nervous system.

Personally, I find it incredibly effective and so do a lot of people.

How to receive:

Try and clear your mind before and during the massage.

Try to remove distractions. Put your phone away, cut off noise, and let your mind slow down. A massage isn’t just your muscles being pushed and pulled; it’s your brain being given permission to relax.

Create some space for the parasympathetic system to switch on — the part of your nervous system responsible for deep rest and recovery. For it to switch on properly, your brain needs to feel safe enough to let your muscles soften.

Muscles don’t stay tight on their own; they’re tight because your brain is telling them to contract. So if you want the massage to work, give your brain a break too.

The masseuse is trying to help you. Tell them what you want

Your masseuse is trying to help you, but they can’t read your mind.

My yoga teacher puts it simply: dull pain good, sharp pain bad.

If there’s an area that needs more attention (like shoulders from desk work), tell them.

If something hurts sharply, tell them that too — you don’t want to get injured and undo everything you’re trying to fix.

Take time afterwards to relax and chill.

Massages have a cooldown period before you can “go again.” You can’t just walk straight into the gym afterwards and try to hit a PR. Your muscles are deeply relaxed; pushing them too soon raises the risk of injury.

Slowing down your life for a bit after a massage is a good thing. Oh — and drink lots of water. It helps the recovery process.

Maintenance goes a far way

Personally, I find myself in a lovely headspace afterwards that makes life much more enjoyable. But once I’m back in the real world, it’s incredibly easy for tension and pressure to creep back in. Life basically switches you straight out of that parasympathetic, relaxed mode and back into the “get things done” state.

For me, the first step is getting massages on a proper schedule — actually making the time and budgeting for it. You can’t maintain a state you only visit once every few months.

The second step is learning how to do small bits of maintenance between sessions. Daily self-massage or mobility routines go a long way in keeping the nervous system calm.

Personally, I do the Limber 11 and I use RAD balls for myofascial release — they’re small, hard plastic balls that let me target spots that tighten up again. None of this replaces the real thing, but it does hold off the tightness just a bit long.

Give massages to others

A lot of the tension we carry doesn’t come from nowhere — it’s often created or intensified by the people closest to us. When someone you live with or care about is stressed, their nervous system affects yours. This is called co-regulation.

By giving someone a massage, you help their parasympathetic system switch on. And when they calm down, you calm down too.

A peaceful environment creates a peaceful body. Sometimes the quickest way to feel better is to help someone else drop their tension first.

This was written for my Substack originally: https://bhurghundii.substack.com/p/how-to-receive-a-massage